Changes

Every year at this time I spend a week or more dreading the 12th...my father died on the 12th, which happens to be the day after my birthday. Which also died with my dad. I totally could care less about it but that's not the point of this post. I always hope it will feel different or better than the year before and I guess in some ways it does. For the last 5 years I've been able to get out of my bed on the 12th and for the last 3 years been able to get off of the couch... If only to go to work. I never realized how debilitating grief was going to be. I knew even before my dad died that it was going to be the worst thing to ever happen to me. I knew I would have to be stronger than I had ever been before. Mostly for my mom. Dad and I had talked about his passing and how it would be stupid hard on my mom but as the years pass and mom and I kind of verbally /text lean on each other this week, however we spend less time together physically.
Anyway people talk about grief and tell you it'll pass but that's a lie. It transforms you and isolates you. (I was lucky to have mom to share this unique issue with) Grief makes you face all the bright beautiful things with a filter. Never again will something awesome happen that I don't eventually get around to the thought "I wish dad was here for this.". I cry a lot more when I'm happy now... Not because I'm happy but because this beautiful thing is happening and I can't share it with my closest person. Now just for some perspective I'm an only child. I spent my every waking moment with my dad when I was young. Granted there was school and work but every single moment outside of that. As an adult I called him at least 2 to 3 times a day, if I wasn't already over visiting. So a huge part of my life. So basically it's like a hole has been opened up the day he died and never truly healed. I can pack it with memories and wonderful things but it weeps and becomes sore. Forcing me to pull all that packing out and feel all that anguish and trauma of his loss over and over again. No grief never stops. It never heals. It only evolves into something you learn to deal with.