Stuff and Things

Don't you just love when you hang onto some random little thing that you just knew you'd need at some other point in your life. Shuffling it from box to box, pulling it out occasionally and thinking "I really should get rid of this.". Then one day you have a situation that calls for that exact thing. Like some witchy part of your brain had the foreknowledge to horde this one special little thing away for future use.
This totally happens to me all the time. Today I needed a drawstring for my comfy pants and had been squirreling away this random string from an older pair of pants that I took it out of because I hated it but at the time I just knew someday it would be handy... Not exactly sure how long I've had it but let's just say at least five but less than ten...

Sometimes I'm motivated

Feeling productive. I know it will pass and I know it's driven by my mom coming over so I have to pick up my house. Which she'd laugh at. Either way I prep and present myself as an adult. Trying to make a sewing area in my living room for my new sewing machine. Still got that gray pit going on though. Lots of cool fun things but stomach so churning and brain chemistry going haywire... Hopefully it'll settle once mom's here.

Changes

Every year at this time I spend a week or more dreading the 12th...my father died on the 12th, which happens to be the day after my birthday. Which also died with my dad. I totally could care less about it but that's not the point of this post. I always hope it will feel different or better than the year before and I guess in some ways it does. For the last 5 years I've been able to get out of my bed on the 12th and for the last 3 years been able to get off of the couch... If only to go to work. I never realized how debilitating grief was going to be. I knew even before my dad died that it was going to be the worst thing to ever happen to me. I knew I would have to be stronger than I had ever been before. Mostly for my mom. Dad and I had talked about his passing and how it would be stupid hard on my mom but as the years pass and mom and I kind of verbally /text lean on each other this week, however we spend less time together physically.
Anyway people talk about grief and tell you it'll pass but that's a lie. It transforms you and isolates you. (I was lucky to have mom to share this unique issue with) Grief makes you face all the bright beautiful things with a filter. Never again will something awesome happen that I don't eventually get around to the thought "I wish dad was here for this.". I cry a lot more when I'm happy now... Not because I'm happy but because this beautiful thing is happening and I can't share it with my closest person. Now just for some perspective I'm an only child. I spent my every waking moment with my dad when I was young. Granted there was school and work but every single moment outside of that. As an adult I called him at least 2 to 3 times a day, if I wasn't already over visiting. So a huge part of my life. So basically it's like a hole has been opened up the day he died and never truly healed. I can pack it with memories and wonderful things but it weeps and becomes sore. Forcing me to pull all that packing out and feel all that anguish and trauma of his loss over and over again. No grief never stops. It never heals. It only evolves into something you learn to deal with.

So I just sent my husband this text... No for real

"Ok I encountered a problem... I was emptying the trash next to the dryer and got the trashcan can empty and little of the lint fell out and I can't pick it up... Which doesn't sound like a problem but... It smells as if something crawled in and died... Now that I have that thought in my head I'm convinced something died in there and I can't make myself deal with it... I could totally deal with this at work... But take the boots and gloves off the girl and I'm totally a little sissy girl..."

Now all I can think is there's a mouse in there and omg ZOMBIE MOUSE! So now I'm trying to decide if I could brave turning a box on its side and just sweeping the whole lot in. Not really concerned that I don't want to deal with something icky but I am a little concerned that I've thoroughly convinced myself that there's a dead mouse in there and the moment I move the trash I'll see it! Then I'd never get that image out of my head.

Some things are better with ice cream

... But it's not a good motivator. So many things to do and I get overwhelmed when looking at so many tasks, well until it's the 11th hour. Then I'm a Badass and I'm able to focus on getting things done. Everything aids in my procrastination up until that moment perceived or otherwise, that is my last minute deadline for a task. Now this gets even more interesting because while procrastinating the big ticket item in ACTUALLY accomplishing other lesser tasks. Such as this... I mandated myself to write once a day! Task accomplished

You Had One Job

So mandatory daily writing didn't go so well...

There's nothing left but to do it.

To all...
   Or no one... My goal is to write every single day  No matter how little it is. I am going to set myself up with a few guidelines but that will be later... After I move. Yeah I really like to pile it on when life gets busy. You'll learn that. I'm either all or nothing. First on the agenda is moving and all that entails  Then much money and getting my kiddo ready for college. Probably could have prepared a little better for that eventuality. (I haven't even shared this page with anyone yet. If course no one is reading this.)
A little about myself I guess. I work in the bioenergy field making ethanol. I work swing shift so I'll be posting at all hours. I read about as well as I breath and nearly as frequently. This is the longest I've spoke without profanity all day ... Month...Ok probably years. All my closest friends have moved away in the last five years, (no I didn't do anything wrong! They are on their own grown up path and I'm supportive) and they can't just call all the time and we are on different schedules  Plus let's face it time gets away with me and I am a shit friend. So I figure I can interact on here from the comfort of my couch! I am married and happily so... Got one kid as I mentioned nearly grown but I'm getting ready to do my fifth hardest thing I've ever done in my life... Let him go to college. (where I'm sure he'll thrive because he's incredibly talented. I'm sure I'll post his artwork on here .. I would assume.)
Not sure what this is all leading to so I'll leave it at that.